Resurrection

I can't tell you a lot about the situation - that would be illegal. But it happened in the hospital where I am serving as a chaplain as part of a year-long residency. Suffice to say - a particular patient was having a terrible time of it. He had been deteriorating alarmingly for almost two months, to the point where even the experienced staff were asking "what can go wrong next?" I had been doing what I could to visit him, but he always seemed disconnected. He didn't really respond appropriately to what was said, but he would grimace, or shrug, or scowl, or give a thumbs-up, and sometimes it felt like there was some small connection.

Last Friday, I spoke to this patient. He was sitting up in his bed, watching DVDs, lucid. He was even happy, thankful, looking hopefully toward the future. He was gracious to the nurses as they re-dressed a wound or did dialysis. He talked excitedly about the ice chips he was getting to put in his mouth - the first things he'd had in his mouth that wasn't a tube in about a month.

He doesn't remember the last two months of his life. The last thing he remembers is making an appointment for surgery and driving to another hospital with his daughter. He doesn't know how he can to the hospital where I work, doesn't remember what must have been incredible suffering he's gone through since then with constant pain, irritation, difficulty breathing, noise, interrupted sleep...he was like a new man, as far as I could tell. He didn't remember meeting me at all.

I've seen his chart, and I'm not a doctor at all, but there seems to be no reason why he suddenly recovered. His treatment did not change. It wasn't a slow recovery, but was instead rather sudden. And why would he not remember the past two months? No one seems to know.

Anyone would want to claim this one as a miracle of some sort - but it isn't easily attributable. If anything, it is a kind of generalized miracle.

What it reminds me, once again, is that there are things at work in this world greater than our theological imaginings or our dogmatic categories. Greater and more subtle. Sometimes, you just accept that a good thing happened, which was unforseen. I don't know if it was because of the prayers of the righteous, or because this patient suddenly joined the right religious team in the depths of his heart.

What I do know is what I feel coming away from this whole experience - a sense of gratitude and of hope, on the one hand, and sense of humility on the other. The world is what the world is. God is who God is.

Neither one owes me the courtesy of fitting into my categories; good things do not come because we understand them.

Personal Faith Reflections: CPE and Immediacy

Better late than never, one hopes...

There have been a lot of tremendous challenges for me in CPE, and I'm only six weeks into my year-long residency. I've been challenged by facing death in a multitude of forms, as well as by facing my personal anxieties about going out and meeting new people in unknown situations again and again.

One challenge that I've just got done facing is that of immediacy with my peer group. One of the ways that CPE seems to work is that it demands that you process things in a small group of your peers. We are constantly challenged and admonished to be emotionally available to the group. I have found this to be very difficult.

Today we had mid-unit evaluations, meaning part of what I had to do was write a paragraph about each of my colleagues, peers and supervisors, in which I described my relationship with each of them - what was affirming and also what was challenging about them. Each of my peers had to do the same, and each had a paragraph for me.

It was difficult to speak and difficult to hear at times. It is difficult to be present when someone is challenging you on something that hits close to home, that is tender, that is provocative...especially when you just met the person a few weeks ago.

What we're trying to practice is immediacy - among other things it means being in the room you're in and talking about what is going on in that room. This practice breaks down the social niceties that can insulate us from things we need to hear and ways we need to be challenged to grow. Its uncomfortable, and I couldn't possibly do it all the time, but I get that.

What occurs to me is to wonder - if I'm not present in the room, then who is? Do I wish there was a more perfect, even flawless version of me in the room, and failing that, I try to check out emotionally? Do I think that the person in the room has nothing of value to say or to contribute, so I just say nothing, hoping no one notices?

Yes and yes, I'm afraid to say.

But how can I possibly do ministry in a genuine way, with integrity, if I don't even show up? I know that I can do ministry proficiently - that isn't the issue. The issue isn't whether I can develop the skills to function without letting myself be vulnerable. I have those skills nailed, I assure you. But at what cost?

I think of Jesus (seminary wasn't that long ago). Is there any way that God could have possibly demonstrated God's commitment to love us, to be vulnerable with us in the ways we are vulnerable, than to suffer and die at our hands?

How can I possibly be living in Christ's image, yet seeking to be invulnerable? Step one, it seems, is showing up fully. Much as I find CPE uncomfortable and at times contrived, I'm getting that message loud and clear. I can say I trust God, throw out some Greek words and books I've read, but do I really? Do I live in that way?

I don't mean to pry - but do you?